car ride home from the higgin’s black butte house after having dinner over there thursday night…
mom got hella faded and on the way home she was giving one of her typical sermons on god only knows what cause when she drinks hella she rambles hella….and those are the moments she decides to get into the most important and passionate discussions about things…quote of the night?
“i is the best mother that EVER EXISTED!”
reason? It was said in a southern bell accent…so phonetically it was something like…
‘eeeyyyyeee izzzz theee beeeest mothaaaa that evaaaa ig-zis-did!”
the morning after hella wine…
dad- “debbie do you remember buying a wii last night online?”
mom- “we bought a wii?! i love those!”
dad- “no not we…you…and you bought two remotes.”
me- “sweet that’s hella bomb!”
sitting on the front porch. allie and i are reading in lawn chairs and mom is chillin in a chair next to me drinking wine.
allie- “guys are dumb they should be lucky to date me i don’t know what the hella is wrong with me…i just was held under house arrest and never allowed to do anything.”
me- “yeah me too! i have problems! i’m hella scarred…. i was a wild child and now i don’t do anything…!”
mom- “what? are you kidding me? you are so busy! you are like invisible with a trail of burn ass behind you…”
watching the previews to the movie guess who that we rented from the little store…rent preview came on and mom started to sing.
mom- “5 thousand, 65 hundred, 600 hundred minutes…”
allie- “mom those are not the right numbers…”
mom- “well what are they?”
allie- “5 hundred, 25 thousand, 600 minutes”
mom- “oh well i don’t care that’s how i sing them.”
sitting on the couch and molly slowly sneaks up to lay next to allie...and she is hella slinky cause she knows she isn’t suppose to be on the couch..
dad- “molly get off the couch!”
allie- “dad…noooo, she’s sick…she has cancer.”
allie- “its not that funny!”
i was walking down the stairs and allie was standing at the window looking out onto the back deck…
me- “what are you doing?”
allie- “i keep hearing a rattlesnake”
me- “what!? no…sick there aren’t rattlesnakes out there…”
allie- “well i hear them!”
about an hour later we are sitting on the couch reading and the cheap old school medal blinds that are hanging in front of the window start to rattle because of the wind outside…
allie- “see! did you hear that rattlesnake!?”
me- “allie those were the blinds.”
walking into the pool area cause sister and i were going to hot tub.
me- “gosh it is so so crowded!”
allie- “yeah and everyone is hella starring why does everyone gotta hella stare at us?”
me- “cause they are jealous”
allie –“well why don’t they just get tan and dye their hair and then they will look like us…”
allie – “and just walk around like they own the joint…everyone will think they are a bitch and hella stare”
allie- “oh quick that fat woman just got out…that means two spots just opened up.”
my mom getting my antibiotics. she keeps them in her purse so i never know where they are and so its always a fiasco trying to find them and remembering to take them…so she finally finds the bottle on the counter and it goes down like this.
mom- “here…here they are on the counter”
hands me a pill
me- “thanks bitch”
mom – “you’re welcome…
mom is in the kitchen cooking breakfast
mom- “where is the salt?”
dad- “its over there behind the Jackie chan.”
mom- “jimmy choo?”
dad – “oh, i was close.”
referring to my mother’s purse.
black butte is the best of my life...and my family rolls like rockstars...be jealous if you aren't a shepherd. and if you aren't get to know us cause we like to adopt others.