Monday, May 19, 2008

a breath of air

not too long ago one of my friends was reading to me from this book. i don't remember what it was called but it was something like one of those inspirational, self-help type books...and one of the parts in there said that when a woman sighs it means she is quietly screaming. it's taken me a while to really agree with that...but today it makes sense.

i've never been the type to scream. it seems awkward, weird, and obnoxious to just open my mouth and scream at the top of my lungs (though i do have moments where i just feel like it only im at places like the store, the office, dance class, dance competitions (**cough cough, state), a client meeting, most all of these would definitely be awkward places to scream...) anyway, screaming to me is often associated with anger and what does that mean? every time i take a big breath of air i am secretly expressing anger and frustration? no not necessarily...i think the reason people scream is for that moment of relief at the end, the fresh newness that comes the moment you stop i decided that is where signing relates to screaming...if i breath in really really big right now...and then release it. it just feels cleansing, kind of like a momentary fresh start.

i've been taking lots of signs in the last week. this week has been an interesting week for me...and i said in my post from sunday that the reason i haven't been doing as regular of blogging is because there were things i just didn't feel like writing about. i suppose today i'm going to write about them.

it isn't too often that i write these type of posts...mostly cause they are probably boring for whoever reads these...i realize it's much more fun to read about the randomness that somehow is attracted to my life (oh and not to worry...i have a random thing that can be posted on here next...thanks of my co-worker ashley.)at any rate sometimes they are helpful.

when sister took me to missy higginsin concert friday, i fell in love with the song steer. i have this song on my ipod, and i have had it on there for quite some time...but something about listening to her sing it live right after describing her reasons for writing the song made it have a whole new meaning for me...

"but the search ends here
where the night is totally clear
and your heart is fierce
so now you finally know
that you control where you can steer"

this week i am moving out of my parents house for what i like to call permanent...about ready to embark on a journey that is my life, fully and completely...i am cutting the last bits of cord...and if feels new and exciting...i anticipate times when all i want to do is go out for dinner but can't afford to, times when i have to suggest going on a walk rather than the movies due to lack of funds and moments when it would be oh so great to just buy that shirt from nordstrom...but hey, forever has just as cute of stuff! i have been waiting to move out since the day i moved in. i love my family, i love having a bottomless pantry, i love our cleaning lady, i love the laundry facilities...but there have been other things that i don't love so much about living at home. things that are hard to write about cause unless you are living them with me everyday, reading about them won't really make you understand....if you know me well enough you know why living at home is hard for me...

anyway, i have decided that growing up is exciting because for the first time in my life i am starting to see that i am allowed to decide on things for myself. i understand finally that i get one shot at life, no such thing as dress rehearsals for these moments. i can choose when to be influenced by others opinions or when not to. sometimes i forget that friends and family are there to support me and to encourage me and to lift me up...when they start to hurt me, discourage me, lie to me and disappoint me i have the right to choose to fill my world with better people. i also understand that i can forgive. i can do what i want to do, always. and mostly i trust that i have been given the tools by my parents, sister, friends, teachers, co-workers and random acquaintances to take opportunities that strengthen me as a person.

i have hopes for the coming couple months...these hopes are:
1. my family will figure our our shit and after lots of years finally function normal again
2. i build a fabulous new home for my very own self with my very own money and my very own hard work
3. i do a good job coaching...i know i didn't really write about this anywhere else in this post, but officially this year i am taking on the enormous task of head coaching....i'm nervous for it, i'm excited about it, and i love it!

i'm learning to steer my own ship...and i'm totally excited about it :)

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